It neeeeeeeds to NOT snow until I get to Mom's for the holiday. Please!? I am terrified of being stuck in a snow storm like two years ago. And terrified of being stuck here alone for the holiday. And I know that several of my friends would have me over for the holiday if I was trapped here and that would be fine, but it wouldn't be home. And I need to be home. My mom needs me home. We need each other this year.

I am just not able to make myself celebrate. Everyone at work has handed out lovely wonderful thoughtful gifts and I have made some candy and it seems entirely inadequate to the task of being a Yule giftie. I have made about a quarter of the usual things I make because I just don't want to celebrate the holiday. I keep thinking how happy and thrilled I was to be preparing treats last year in anticipation of seeing my sisters and how much fun it was going to be with them and mom and me all together again, and I just can't do it.

I am so tired of hanging on by the skin of my teeth.

I can do this. It will get better.

...that I do more than bitch and whine and cry, here is a list of Good Thangs that make me happy:

I am happy and grateful to have wonderful friends who take care of me in so many ways when I feel so lost.

I am grateful for pretty Christmas lights and choir concerts and shiney distractions provided by a beautiful friend.

I am happy for Illya/Napoleon stories.

I am happy for sleep that arrives before 3am.

(and no, the icon doesn't really go with anything, though a case could be made for it going with Christmas lights... I just don't have a Illya/Napoleon icon to use. And before you ask, NO I do NOT 'ship Bing/Danny or Wallace/Davis, ew! I am absolutely a Davis/Haynes and Wallace/Haynes 'shipper!)

Back on the treadmill again

Distance: 2 miles
Time: 26:40

Took a down week to see if my hip would stop hurting. Started the run with a few twinges that went away before the first 1/4 mile was done. Was really getting into the groove toward the end of the second mile when something large and noisy (a defunct wireless router) fell off the hutch on my desk with a crash and almost made me faceplant in surprise. I wrapped up at that point, lol. Hoping to get back into a reasonable amount of miles this week. No pain right now, so we'll see.

I own this book/CD (you see it at the beginning and end of the video) but do you think I can find the fucker? DAMMIT. Anyway, I have posted this before but it is worth a repeat because it makes me happy. I recognize WAY too many of my relatives in the words of this song, many of you may as well. Enjoy!

I just made an amusing and not incorrect typo in an email (see title) and had to share.

I have never been successful with new year resolutions, except the year I resolved to never make another new year resolution.

How can I rewrite the resolution "I resolve to not beat myself up" and NOT use a negative in it? I am way too exhausted to figure it out tonight.

I met a nice lady tonight who is mutual friends with the X, I introduced myself as Number Six. That just amused the shit outta me.

Coincidentally, I saw Number Seven tonight, and even smiled and shared my concert programme with her since she arrived late and didn't get one. And then after the concert I smiled and she ignored me.

An hour or so later I remembered that she pissed me off a while back and so I unfriended her, a first for me, that unfriending in LJ. This only proves that I do not have the memory facility to carry on a feud of any kind and that neither Hatfield nor McCoy is a family tree that grows in my personal forest.

It was a FABulous concert. I enjoyed the hell out of it and can't wait to go again.

Also, someone thought I was sweetiegirl's mom. OMG I laughed so hard, that was PRICELESS!!! GO ME! (really, it was amusing as hell. That's what I get for wearing my hair up. Just a couple months ago I was mistaken for her sister!)

Yeah, so dammit, missed out on a chance to be catty and bitchy. I may have to turn in my union card now, godsdammit.

Very tired, very discouraged, just really having a not very good time as Yule approaches, dear gods I need the light to get the fuck back here now.

I often feel as if I don't deserve the love and care given me by friends and family, and it is because I am having such a hard time loving myself at all that I cannot believe that they would help me/care for me/save my ass/etc., and yet they do, which makes me feel even less deserving and yet paradoxically as if I need to not make them a liar by accepting that they love me and want to help me. It gets all tangled up between what my intellect knows and what my damaged psyche feels and somewhere between is my heartsore self and I am tired of crying at the drop of a hat, really getting over this would be so very good. Anytime now, please dear Universe.

A young girl
product of the devil man
scorned and criticized more harshly than the others.
Mama's blood couldn't save me.
I will be your reprobate no longer.

A young woman
wife of an angry man.
Called names like
manipluator, lazy, weak.
Yelled at, came at with flying objects like a
tornado of rage.
Being meek couldn't save me.
I will be your reprobate no longer.

A lonely woman
working hard, down on luck.
No jobs, no home and no love.
God himself couldn't save me.
I will be your reprobate no longer.

An older woman
wife, and daugther-in-law to better men.
Student, graduate, worker and friend.
Strong enough to stand and say these words:
Love finally saved me.
I am a reprobate no longer.

All the views of the laptop bag I just ordered&the wallet&phone case too
( laptop bag.png )

Last night (well, ok, very early this morning) I made Banana Bread, Punkin Orange Bread and two kinds of candy. This morning I woke up way too frelling early and made some cookie dough and now I am working on making the two pans of candy into actual candy and not potential candy inna pan. X is off to get his girl a Yule giftie since he didn't think that a gift certificate for the paint she wants for her bedroom and a handheld shower massage were very romantic or personal gifts. He was less than amused when I commented that a shower massage was plenty romantic and personal, unless he was using it wrong (along with my patented eyebrow wiggle and evol chuckle). *snerk* Ok, I should maybe not be evil to the poor thing, he is letting me have free use of his beautifulwonderfulOMGdowant Kitchenaid stand mixer. I would bake a LOT more often if I had one of those of my own, damn it's nice to make cookies AND still have use of both hands afters. Arthritis: so full of fail, dood. Also, laundry done, yay. I made J try some of the candy, a cheater peanut butter fudge I make for my mom, his comment: "oh, this is bad, bad, you need to give it all to me so I can save everyone from the bad." I guess it turned out ok. *grin*

Ok, back to the kitchen with me. That candy isn't gonna roll itself in suger ya know.

Oh, and hey! I took pictures so I can post my Yule Baking Adventures in my journal later, yay!

If I leave work, there is no way I will be able to get back tonight. They're calling for it to keep snowing all day, an inch an hour or more, and it's already at 6 inches. So, by 5pm tonight, 8 hours from now, it'll be 14 inches or more, which pretty much guarantees the buses won't be running, and I'd have to walk over a mile to get back to work. *sigh* I am not happy about this.

Fuck it, if the person who has to show up for me to leave shows up, I'm gonna put on two pairs of pants, two pairs of socks, three shirts, gloves, my balaclava, my scarf, my jacket and boots and go get the bus or walk the mile home. I need some time away from work.

I am totally fucking stranded at work. I have 16 hours that are MINE this weekend, 16 sad hours between 6pm Friday and 8am Monday, and I'm about to lose 8 of them because of the damn snow. I have no way to get anywhere that isn't work, cos the bus that stops 3 blocks from work and 2 blocks from home almost certainly isn't running. (only buses on snow emergency routes are running.)
Now, I'm not stupid, so i brought enough food&changes of clothes to work that even if I am stuck here until Monday, I'll be ok. But, I'm already working 46 of the 62 hours between 6pm Fri&8am Mon. Those sad little 8 hours of downtime today and tomorrow were what I was hanging my sanity on, and now they're at least half gone.